Hungry….

So I have been thinking about where things are for me.

 

I am SIR, a Top, a Master of my skills. I am an Alpha Dog, Boss, Chief, Papa Bear. Beast

 

I am also Boy, Service sub, Pet, bottom, Companion Dog, Guard Dog, little brother, and pet Beast.

 

It is occasionally pretty hard to make sure that all parts of me get themselves heard. The Dog suffers in place of the Sir, or the Beast gets all the attention, while the service Boy gets nothing.

 

This is not about anyone but myself, it is my place to make sure I am getting all my needs met. I dont need to have my Top, or my bottom hand me things on a platter. That is not the way I will learn.  I have recently discovered that when I am in service, even for a short time, my Sir space/Master-ness gets… more. That I can be more of who I am, if I feed it all.

 

My Beast is fed often, my Beast is Top,Bottom and Switch, it serves one, and it rules others and is occasionally overthrown by the more powerful that I surround myself with. The Hook Suspension was a bringing to life of the Beast of Burden. I, using my body, and the strength pulled into myself, and pulled someone off the ground.

 

The rest then trickle down from there. I am still getting a LOT of what I need. I am being fed well.. and regularly enough. I am still a fat Bear, even if I bitch about not getting enough, I am hardly the post hibernation thin, all ribs under fur.

 

I guess I am just learning what parts need the most to keep the Pendulum swinging, 

 

I picked up a flogger for the first time in years the other weekend. It felt good… but I was nervous, surrounded by some of the best Tops that I know I was not in my element, I tried to hide in my experience in blades for a while, making myself as comforatble as possible before swinging the flogger. The person I was playing with was also someone I admire for their skills with a flogger, compounding my nerves. Once I relaxed, and started to remember the way it felt, I think I did ok. I mishit.. but I saw it, and corrected immediately. Thankfully the person I was doing stuff to enjoyed themselves too.. and asked me to do it again sometime.

 

I realise I am adept at some of the more scary, harder skilled, intense things, and my simple skills have dropped off. My ability to control chain, rope, a flogger, simple control factors have fallen down a bit. I am not as well rounded as I would like to think, I have not picked up needles since T, I have not done regular cane strokes or cropping since C. My service has dropped since K. My ability to be the silent, incredibly useful butler, with the hard cock and almost psychic service is also gone. I cannot explain why….But I know in the new year I will be working on all of those things.

I have made a promise to myself to feed the things that are hungry. I will hunt out what it is I need, Whether to be Hunter, Hunted, Predator, Prey….

I have made a promise to myself to keep learning, and refreshing the basic skills that I was taught.

I have made a promise to myself to be what I need to be.

Hooked Up 5 – The Pull…

Hooked up 5, pic by SJB

I had an idea, that came to me in a dream. I wanted to pull someone up using my body weight, I wanted to hold them in the air, the 2 hooks in my back, through my flesh, connected to them by rope, hooks, flesh and energy. It was a journey, and I know that word gets used a lot, but this was a journey for me, and I am incredibly lucky to have two such amazing people as Erinkyan and MzAsha with me on my quest.

I am learning that though this body is not what I wanted tit to be, it is Mine. It is strong, fairly relaible and serves me as well as it is able to. It may Have parts I dont want, and lack things that I do, but it is mine. I am built like a beast, a bear, a bull. I carry a lot on my shoulders and inside. This journey, this Pull, was my physical representation of that.

I was at a Hooked Up when I got a “spiritual knock”, a reminder that this is what I had wanted, and this was the people to do it for me. I looked around, surrounded by likeminded people, and I spoke to MzAsha about if she wanted to “Go Up” for me, to which she readily agreed.

I wanted to look for a good rigger, one I could trust with myself and my dear Friend. Erinkyan came to mind immediately. I had always liked his rope, the way his brain worked, and I felt that he would “get it”. His energy, his love and his ethos comes through in everything he does, and when he agreed it felt like things just “clicked”.

We had a run through, the Wednesday before the event, and I had a moment of fear, a moment where I did not trust my body, and I got quiet, and thoughtful. I did not trust in me, and spent quite some time in thought, debating on pulling out. I knew I was being silly, but I think that moment of fear I did have, was necessary for the final result.

Erinkyan was my ground, Solid, sure, Steady, His amazing energy kept us anchored, Centred and Safe. He understood what I needed and gave amazing, perfect suggestions and helped the big step.

MzAsha, Was also earth, but sky as well. Keeping an eye on my energy from above, wrapped in connecting energy in the rops that wrapped around her body, She volunteered herself, knowing me, knowing my energy to be wrapped in me, taken off the ground, to wait there, until I was done.

The hooks going in hurt, I wont lie, but compared to what I expected, they werent terrible.  I had a tremendous team of people around me, laughing at my growl, and keeping me centered. The walk back to Erinkyan and MzAsha was blurry, and after sorting out some energetic stuff that I was not clear on… I was ready….ish

My fear had me decide to try just lifting her in a chest harness first, to take MzAshas weight and see if I was being insane in my want to do this.  I counted to three, and when given the go ahead, stepped forward. I was scared.  I was sore, I felt the hooks pull through and lodge in place. I was pulling against myself, I was pulling against my body, my mind, my brain. I stepped back, content with how it felt… and ready to try lifting.

Awaiting Erinkyan to bind MzAsha for the suspension, I felt calm. I felt connected to the best team I know.

I turned around my back to MzAsha and Erinkyan, Kirby1024, Erinkyans boy, was now with us, being amazing help, holding my rope so the binding to it could happen without it jarring my hooks, I stepped forward, when told she was ready…. fear rushed in, pain, and I almost forgot why I was there. I took a big deep breath, focussed on the yellow dot next to my right foot and moved my feet under my center of gravity.. that is when I let go of the pain, and fear, I felt an energetic slap on the back.

This was not about being a masochist, or the need for pain. Walking/pulling forward did not hurt in that way. It hurt a bit deeper, a release of my body, allowing it to be what it is. understanding that I am who I am, and I am ok with that, That I am a beast of burden, and that is my job. I am a TransMan and this is my body, I am a journeyman spiritually and that I have to be ok with that, and stop fighting. I am a Bear, Teacher, Boy…   I heard somewhere in the back of my head, applause, and MzAsha telling my she was off the ground, and I am not sure whether I smiled.I was crying tears of happiness and relief in my head, but not sure any tears hit the ground.

I needed to get to all fours, I felt a pressure on my back pushing down. When I got down, I was not really physically there anymore…. for a while, that private conversation I had I will keep to myself, but when I called Erinkyan forward to see if I could pull MzAsha any further up, I was already done, and back in myself.. feeling the connection with the three of us.

I am so thankful to have done this pull, it was physically and emotionally an amazing experience for me.

Will I do it again, yes… absolutely.

I am indebted to the “Team of Awesome”

Hooked Up 5, Nov 2010

there is more to be written on this.. but it is not ready yet.