So I have been thinking about where things are for me.
I am SIR, a Top, a Master of my skills. I am an Alpha Dog, Boss, Chief, Papa Bear. Beast
I am also Boy, Service sub, Pet, bottom, Companion Dog, Guard Dog, little brother, and pet Beast.
It is occasionally pretty hard to make sure that all parts of me get themselves heard. The Dog suffers in place of the Sir, or the Beast gets all the attention, while the service Boy gets nothing.
This is not about anyone but myself, it is my place to make sure I am getting all my needs met. I dont need to have my Top, or my bottom hand me things on a platter. That is not the way I will learn. I have recently discovered that when I am in service, even for a short time, my Sir space/Master-ness gets… more. That I can be more of who I am, if I feed it all.
My Beast is fed often, my Beast is Top,Bottom and Switch, it serves one, and it rules others and is occasionally overthrown by the more powerful that I surround myself with. The Hook Suspension was a bringing to life of the Beast of Burden. I, using my body, and the strength pulled into myself, and pulled someone off the ground.
The rest then trickle down from there. I am still getting a LOT of what I need. I am being fed well.. and regularly enough. I am still a fat Bear, even if I bitch about not getting enough, I am hardly the post hibernation thin, all ribs under fur.
I guess I am just learning what parts need the most to keep the Pendulum swinging,
I picked up a flogger for the first time in years the other weekend. It felt good… but I was nervous, surrounded by some of the best Tops that I know I was not in my element, I tried to hide in my experience in blades for a while, making myself as comforatble as possible before swinging the flogger. The person I was playing with was also someone I admire for their skills with a flogger, compounding my nerves. Once I relaxed, and started to remember the way it felt, I think I did ok. I mishit.. but I saw it, and corrected immediately. Thankfully the person I was doing stuff to enjoyed themselves too.. and asked me to do it again sometime.
I realise I am adept at some of the more scary, harder skilled, intense things, and my simple skills have dropped off. My ability to control chain, rope, a flogger, simple control factors have fallen down a bit. I am not as well rounded as I would like to think, I have not picked up needles since T, I have not done regular cane strokes or cropping since C. My service has dropped since K. My ability to be the silent, incredibly useful butler, with the hard cock and almost psychic service is also gone. I cannot explain why….But I know in the new year I will be working on all of those things.
I have made a promise to myself to feed the things that are hungry. I will hunt out what it is I need, Whether to be Hunter, Hunted, Predator, Prey….
I have made a promise to myself to keep learning, and refreshing the basic skills that I was taught.
I have made a promise to myself to be what I need to be.
