Being Pushed.

She stood over me. I was kneeling, not as some kind of show, but from a place of honest submission. It was my place, on a dusty concrete floor in a cold room.

I was going to be pushed, in many ways.. and I was to take it, or walk. I was to Control some of my anger reflexes, or it was done also.

This seems like a harsh thing, but from where I come from, and with the background I have, the stern harsh words, had 2 effects. I looked at my behaviour, from her Point of View, and saw myself lacking… I saw where she was coming from, and in all I had offered, I had not given that which I had repeatedly said I wanted. I also saw that which I needed. A high goal, to work towards… not set up to fail, but a good workable goal, with a consequence to my lack of control, upon occasion.

More things were said of course, which I will not share, but they are logged in my brain, seared in fire.

She stood, looking at me, guaging the effects the words had, watching me sink back onto my heels when things hurt, eyes glassy with tears. I was then told to stand, and wrapped arms around me, holding me tight.

This is the kind of hand I need.

I am a very lucky (PUSHED) bear.

 

Thoughtful, An Evolution.

It always starts with an ideas, during a conversation, or talking about someone else, that scares me. Things that get other people off, things seen in movies etc.

I think about them, more and more… and it starts to take a hold in my brain. It starts as fear, and then, if I get to talk about it, think about it more it then grows to fear/confusion, there is still some reservation, but a confusion about why I like to think about it so much, Fear/arousal, then outright arousal when it is even mentioned..

 There is something at the moment that is scaring me in a total way. I am dreaming about it, and having both good/hot and totally fearful dreams.

 I love it… heh.